I think that many things excite me, but very few are passions. The hard part is distinguishing the difference between the two.

My manager today asked me how my past 2 months have been. If I liked what I was doing etc. Thinking about it, I do like what I'm doing in that I'm allowed creativity in this job. Granted it isn't me thinking of the project from square one, but the pieces they do give me, are vague enough to allow me to give it my own twist or spin. At first this scared me because it means whatever I am assigned and accomplish would be a direct reflection of my ability. But I suppose I should have more confidence in my ability, because in essence, my manager has given me, a little ole pre-doc, the chance to show the team and upper management what I'm really capable of. Basically, this could be really good or really really bad :P

Now after two months.. I think yes I am still scared, which could possibly be a good thing, but more pumped about this job than at my previous summer internship, where I could feel that there was no point in my position other than to take up space. It also helps that the project I'm working on is what my manager calls "hitting gold". The initial results have caused quite a stir, enough to excite upper management. Hence lies my difficulty in deciphering if I'm passionate about my work so far, or merely just excited.

I find myself confused about whether it is the content of the job, the nature of the work, or the people that is making this job so worthwhile. I'm sure it is a combination of all, but whether one has a dominance over the other is what concerns me. I *never* would have thought I would end up working with databases and doing data mining, but here I am. I find that I actually quite like the work, but I believe that I know myself well enough now to know it isn't the actual type of programming I'm doing, but programming with purpose that makes a difference. Does that mean I do not need to pursue other degrees of education because, in reality I like to program? Or does that mean I need to find a subject matter, a large project really, that excites me while I program it? It does mean that I don't think I'll very much enjoy being a small cog in a very large project where you cannot see your results. It might also mean that I like starting things, but not necessarily sticking with it, well at least until the excitement wears off. *ponder* Or not, I find I'm a perfectionist and want to make sure something I've created works hmmmmm

Okay at this point I'm not making much sense. Passion is fueled by interesting things. Excitement found in interesting thing. Coding = tool to work with interesting thing. Which means I need to find something that excites me.. something concrete but involves coding. Which also means being a software engineer really doesn't mean I've decided on anything. It means that what I'm doing as a software engineer, what project, what focus... is the more important part, and that is also the hard part to control.

Eh I have a feeling this won't apply as I think about it more ><" I really just need to make a list of what I love and see if I can apply it. One of my biggest fears is that I've found what I love... but never satisfied, thinking I'll find something I'll love even more. I suppose I can look at it from another point of view, not to forget or leave things I love, but never stop looking for more things I love. Lovely I'm starting to confused myself... bah back to work.

On a completely random note, my manager says if naps help me be more productive, go ahead assuming I don't have a meeting :P

Why is it never enough?  How can I keep dealing with this.  She says I should have set aside the whole weekend since it'll be the last I'm home.  I go out Friday night, she's out anyways.  I have lunch plans Sunday with a friend I haven't talked to since Spring Break and most likely will not get to hang out with until Winter Break.  Doesn't matter, I tell her - she blows up.  It doesn't seem to matter that all of Saturday and most of Sunday I have set aside.  What matters is that I have apparently set her as a lower priority to my friends by going out for a few hours.  Never understanding, always emotional first.  Why is it that I feel like she is the child and I the parent at times?

She stormed off.  Now what?  I am loathe to say sorry because I have not done anything wrong.  I always end up saying sorry just to clear the tense atmosphere.  Now she'll waste the Saturday I have set aside to spend with her.  I hate it.  I am angry.  I hate being angry.  I am tired of all of this.  No one is ever satisfied with what I do with my time.  It is never enough.