TempestEyez's Xanga

Passion vs Excitement

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 19:28:48 GMT

I think that many things excite me, but very few are passions. The hard part is distinguishing the difference between the two.

My manager today asked me how my past 2 months have been. If I liked what I was doing etc. Thinking about it, I do like what I'm doing in that I'm allowed creativity in this job. Granted it isn't me thinking of the project from square one, but the pieces they do give me, are vague enough to allow me to give it my own twist or spin. At first this scared me because it means whatever I am assigned and accomplish would be a direct reflection of my ability. But I suppose I should have more confidence in my ability, because in essence, my manager has given me, a little ole pre-doc, the chance to show the team and upper management what I'm really capable of. Basically, this could be really good or really really bad :P

Now after two months.. I think yes I am still scared, which could possibly be a good thing, but more pumped about this job than at my previous summer internship, where I could feel that there was no point in my position other than to take up space. It also helps that the project I'm working on is what my manager calls "hitting gold". The initial results have caused quite a stir, enough to excite upper management. Hence lies my difficulty in deciphering if I'm passionate about my work so far, or merely just excited.

I find myself confused about whether it is the content of the job, the nature of the work, or the people that is making this job so worthwhile. I'm sure it is a combination of all, but whether one has a dominance over the other is what concerns me. I *never* would have thought I would end up working with databases and doing data mining, but here I am. I find that I actually quite like the work, but I believe that I know myself well enough now to know it isn't the actual type of programming I'm doing, but programming with purpose that makes a difference. Does that mean I do not need to pursue other degrees of education because, in reality I like to program? Or does that mean I need to find a subject matter, a large project really, that excites me while I program it? It does mean that I don't think I'll very much enjoy being a small cog in a very large project where you cannot see your results. It might also mean that I like starting things, but not necessarily sticking with it, well at least until the excitement wears off. *ponder* Or not, I find I'm a perfectionist and want to make sure something I've created works hmmmmm

Okay at this point I'm not making much sense. Passion is fueled by interesting things. Excitement found in interesting thing. Coding = tool to work with interesting thing. Which means I need to find something that excites me.. something concrete but involves coding. Which also means being a software engineer really doesn't mean I've decided on anything. It means that what I'm doing as a software engineer, what project, what focus... is the more important part, and that is also the hard part to control.

Eh I have a feeling this won't apply as I think about it more ><" I really just need to make a list of what I love and see if I can apply it. One of my biggest fears is that I've found what I love... but never satisfied, thinking I'll find something I'll love even more. I suppose I can look at it from another point of view, not to forget or leave things I love, but never stop looking for more things I love. Lovely I'm starting to confused myself... bah back to work.

On a completely random note, my manager says if naps help me be more productive, go ahead assuming I don't have a meeting :P

Updates?

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:32:48 GMT

So I figured everyone else is having the time of their lives starting new things and writing about it... why can't I? Sure it will be quite dull in comparison but it doesn't mean it is worth less to remember, to keep a record of. If anything it'll teach me lessons that hopefully I won't forget regardless... but knowing my memory, it is best to write down.

for now... I'm sleepy -___-. I can't seem to figure out a way to properly stay awake at work. So far I've been replying on snacks and tea.... But even then, I will fall asleep. Coffee is not an option sadly and suggestion of walking around don't help because it's like when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I'm awake and walking about.... buuut I just go back to sleep afterwards. :P

I could try playing a game on something, but then I think that would be too distracting at some point.... I had this problem last summer, but I could care less since it was a summer internship :P Now it actually matters if I produce results -___-

I wonder if I take a nap in my car that is time... it might be useful... *ponder*

Thinking...

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 19:26:48 GMT

too much is sometimes a very bad thing...

testing...

1, 2, 3

Projects

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 23:35:44 GMT

So I've decided to keep a better track of things I want to accomplish and things I have started and have yet to finish.

This way I do not forget or put them aside until they are done (hopefully).

For now, until I come up with a better way to organize and keep track...

Autonomous Helicopter (continuation with Cal Group)
Autonomous Helicopter (Self - move labview onto a much smaller and cheaper board)
China Pictures - Sort/Rename
China Trip Compilation - Journal, Map, Video, Pictures
VMWare Server w/bought domain
NAS w/home server - compilation of brother's media
Recurve Bow Video (With Cal Group)
Grad apps! (this possibly should be higher on the list)

... and more when I think of it :)

Time

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 19:56:24 GMT

Why is it never enough? How can I keep dealing with this. She says I should have set aside the whole weekend since it'll be the last I'm home. I go out Friday night, she's out anyways. I have lunch plans Sunday with a friend I haven't talked to since Spring Break and most likely will not get to hang out with until Winter Break. Doesn't matter, I tell her - she blows up. It doesn't seem to matter that all of Saturday and most of Sunday I have set aside. What matters is that I have apparently set her as a lower priority to my friends by going out for a few hours. Never understanding, always emotional first. Why is it that I feel like she is the child and I the parent at times?

She stormed off. Now what? I am loathe to say sorry because I have not done anything wrong. I always end up saying sorry just to clear the tense atmosphere. Now she'll waste the Saturday I have set aside to spend with her. I hate it. I am angry. I hate being angry. I am tired of all of this. No one is ever satisfied with what I do with my time. It is never enough.

Peaceful

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:08:39 GMT

Being home is so relaxing :) I always forget how much fun it is just to talk to my brother. He makes me laugh always :) I love him so much. I'm so happy that he values my opinion and that I still have a say in his future plans and life. School/life is tough for him.. I just want to protect him, help him. *grin* though he still doesn't like it when I randomly hug him :P

Being around my mom has been relaxing and stressful at the same time. She knows me so well, and yet not well at all. I love her so much. *grin* Luckily she does like it very much when I randomly hug her.

I can't wait until my dad gets home :)

There are so many questions that need to be answered... plans, issues, problems that need to be dealt with... but for now I feel very much at peace. I'm on the precipice of something.. I'm not sure what. Calm before the storm? I feel ready and completely unprepared at the same time... *grin* and just... happy.

><"

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 08:01:27 GMT

*sigh* messed up this one... not sure if it's fixable. Well at least not without a lot of time. That's what I get for losing my temper. I think I need to have a talk with my team. It can't just be me if the only time I seem to get angry/frustrated is after a game. *sigh* I'm still very disappointment with myself. If anything I should have known better.

I don't feel like I'm captain anymore... half the original team aren't even playing anymore. Or at least they seem to be busier this semester and can't make the games. This definitely needs to be resolved soon.

It's weird when the original half still respects you but the new half... they don't know who I am and I didn't make a very good first impression today. *sigh* Just got to be more patient and keep my usual cool... one person at a time.

hmm

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:17:41 GMT

so many decisions to make... so little time...

zzzzz

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 07:42:26 GMT

So since I have to wait another hour before the image is done I guess I'll post :P It's been awhile since I've updated in terms of what has been going on with life I suppose.

School has been well hectic to say the least. I'm wondering how I'm going to manage to finish all my work and have time to sleep. Hopefully work won't pick up any more than it has. This weekend was supposed to be for E128 homework and studying for midterm. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. At least Saturday I can relax and not think about anything to do.

I don't think I'm allowed to log my hours as real time... something about it legally not being able to work more than a certain amount of hours in a day :P I'm going to have to split up the blocks as if I worked tomorrow :D

Even though school and life has been well hectic... I think I'm liking this semester more than last already. I forgot how much I seem to enjoy being busy? Just in general I just hope I can keep it up though... The only sad part is that I'm going to miss my bed/pillow more :P

Basketball has been amazing. Kind of out of shape though ><" Oh wells.. I'm excited because on Monday we finally can start playing games in PE. I think I'm going to have to play point on Tuesday because our point guard can't make the game.

Okay well I thought I could keep blogging but my brain is too fried to keep this up... I wonder how many hours of sleep I can squeeze in today?

...

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 09:11:07 GMT

Sometimes I feel so foolish. I guess it's good to have people knock some sense into you and make you see reality rather than fantasy

on a side note I had a nice talk with mike today :) I definitely missed just talking to him. I forget that with him I don't have to sensor myself... I can just say everything. It's been too long since we had these sort of chats.